On being “Mom”

Or:

    Mum
    Mama
    Mummy
    Mater
    Mam
    Mommy
    Madre

Whatever title has been bestowed upon you by your marvellous and beloved offspring? The job is hard. It’s fucking gruelling – and there’s often no respite.

I don’t know if you might have noticed dear audience, but there’s a freaking pandemic going on out there. And it’s taking so much from us. And the burden of children and child-rearing is, as ever falling on us maternal-type units.


Disclaimer: I am bloody lucky in my hus-creature and I love him muchly. He has been awesome in this shitty ass time.


And there’s no answer to it. I’m not going to write about generals. There are a LOT of articles out there at the moment which are saying it so much more eloquently than I feel I can:

Parenting is a job – in a pandemic it’s impossible

Death of the Working Mother

Both of these articles resonate with me so hard. In the first case?

I’m exhausted. I’m touched out.


Seriously – it’s worse than when they were newborns and I didn’t think that was possible quite frankly!


TT is a wreck. She’s always been the most social one of the four of us and lock down and social distancing have destroyed her.

She gets one dance class a week (today as it happens) and the joy when she realises it’s Wednesday is, quite frankly, heartbreaking. Because it’s her only chance to spend time with any humans outside of our bubble. In a mask. Six feet apart. With no contact. But it’s all that we could do.

And it will be taken from her soon enough. Make no mistake about that. Cases are spiking everywhere and I hate every single selfish fucker who won’t wear a mask. If I could send them my daughter’s future therapy bills I would.

We spend a minimum period of two hours every day cuddling on my bed because she just needs that reassurance. It sounds lovely but it’s every day. It’s relentless.

But that’s not the main point of this post. It’s mainly the second linked article I’m pondering.

See, a few nights ago #1 Son wombled into my bedroom and asked me:

Mom, if you could have any career what would it be?

First off, ouch.

It’s not the first time either. Over a year ago I was standing in my kitchen doing one of my snow/ice dyeing experiments and #1 Son asked his father what I was doing. When told I was doing a science experiment this was the response:

Why is mom doing that? She’s just mom.

I walked away and left daddy to deal with that.

Way to hit me right between the eyes there son. Because this is a very sore spot for me.

I am a stay at home parent. It’s not a job I ever envisaged for myself; and, if I’m honest? It’s not the job I wanted.

Now, do not get me wrong. I adore my kids with every fibre of my being. I went through hell on earth to have them. But I wanted to keep my job. To keep my paycheck. My independence – in so far as that was possible.

Then we emigrated. And I couldn’t work until I got my work permit. Then #1 Son started school and we realised that, work permit or not, there was no way on Gods Green Earth that I was going to be able to find work whilst dealing with him there.

Then there was TT. Daycare is ludicrously expensive so I was forced to accept I was stuck until she started Kindergarten at least.

However that was OK, after all, my skill set is in higher education administration and from The University of Oxford no less. Surely I would be able to find something when the time came? If not Harvard or MIT then at least Tufts or Boston College etc right? After all, University education is a permanent fixture right?!?!?

Ahem, so sorry.

Because then the pandemic happened. And it’s clear that Higher Education is going to take a massive hit in the short to medium term. So that’s that for now. And it’s been over three years already. God knows what my skill set is going to look like by the time this situation is under control.

So for the foreseeable I’m stuck. Completely.

However hus-creature did put the recent sad into slight perspective.

The fact that my son asked me if I wanted a career? That means he doesn’t remember when I DID.

Which means that he only remembers me being around. So no damage of any kind from me missing those formative moments of ages 1-5.

Some solace perhaps.

But I do still have a sad.

Life is complicated isn’t it?

But I am around. I can help with remote learning. I can comfort my kids and we don’t need me to bring in a paycheck. I’m grateful for that.

But COVID needs to fuck off. Because it’s still a lot. And some days it’s too fucking much. And I’m tired. So tired.

An announcement

It’s been months of planning, building stock, blood, sweat, tears and self doubt; but as of this evening, I am thrilled to announce:

Tiny Tyrant Yarns is open for business

Yes, I’ve done it. I’ve officially put myself, and my creations, out there for all the world to see and (hopefully) admire. It’s thrilling, terrifying and wonderful. And the best thing?

I’ve had two orders already!!!

Please note that those prices do include postage!

But it’s a great start.

Thank you to my customers

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee I have customers!!!!!

Career changes

I realised that yesterday was THE BIG DEADLINE for my former office.

Which made me blink in shock and reflect on the last few months. For the first time in a decade I was able to relax over the festive period.

I’m not working 12+ days and 40+ hours of overtime. I was able to visit (extended) family, spend time with my hus-creature and kidlets without feeling guilt.

It felt/feels amazing. My stress levels are much reduced, at least in one way. Yes, my blood pressure is still an issue, and I’ve had/have other stressors, but those are gradually reducing.

I’m happy. I’m missing work, but mostly in the “having my own money” arena and some occasional adult conversation.

I’m going to make a serious attempt at doing something with my yarn skills. I do have my knitting group for at least weekly human interaction, plus the lovely J and H when our schedules allow. I actually planned some colorways last night. I have a specific notebook and I’m writing things down. I also have the hus-creature asking me practical questions, which really helps, as I have a slight tendency to just think about the creative side πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

A day of good and bad

So today has been a bit of a mixed bag, so I will divide it straight down the middle.

The Good:

  • SSN successfully applied for
  • #1 Son did all his homework without a battle
  • TT had a nap 🀭😱
  • TT’s insistence on using cloth diapers means she’s now actually telling me (occasionally) when she’s done a wee
  • My beleaguered sock is back on (new) needles, of which I have three pairs so dammit I will finish this bugger.
  • The snow is currently gone.
  • My kettle dyeing mojo has returned and I have 5 more skeins for the next ripple blanket I’m planning.

The Bad:

  • The hus-creature became trapped in #1 Son’s room when the door handle came off in his hand! Which is something I have had concerns about for months. Fortunately it is repaired for now, and will be reported to the landlady*
  • TT is very unsettled tonight and is still not asleep. I may have to concede no naps 😫😞😒😰
  • Snowstorms are predicted. Bye bye clear ground. Hello snow day. Probably.
  • Neither child will accept the toothpaste we have so are both using age 0-2 Aquafresh Milk Teeth until our next weekly shop.
  • The Amethyst dye is not. It is raspberry at best. I am not amused.

*along with reminders about the broken toilet seat and lack of lock on the bathroom door. I will need to ensure that the crayon is off of the walls (again)


The Amusing:

  • TT has learned to apply talc during nappy changes. That got… messy…
  • After #1 Son blamed TT for the (pink) toothpaste in the main toilet, she came toddling through to me, not once but twice to tell me “Nanoo running“. So she is equally capable of dropping him right in it πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

The Yarns:

So from left to right:

  1. Delphinium Blue
  2. Frozen
  3. Amethyst
  4. Berry Crush
  5. Aubergine

On what planet is that Amethyst?!?!? I’ll concede Carnelian (maybe) or even Red Amethyst (yes, that’s a thing) but traditionally, amethysts are purple. To cheer me up, here is a cat with Yoshi riding her:In Soviet Russia, Yoshi ride you.

Back to normality

Well mostly. Tomorrow is a half day for #1 Son. I don’t know why. Just because I think.

He also gets Monday off next week because it’s Martin Luther King Day.

But the school system here has much shorter holidays and no “half terms” so I don’t begrudge the random days. It’s part of the reason I’m not rushing the work stuff.

While I still doubt my domestic goddessing skills, it is pleasant being home with the kids. I’m actually watching TT grow, and know I can take credit for her development rather than feeling guilt.

I do miss working, but I’m makes tentative steps to earn some pennies at home – but I’m still blocked by not having an SSN, which I can’t apply for until my permit is actually in my hands. We did however have confirmation today that this is actually in the post now!!!

W00t w00t!!!!

Yesterday #1 Son came home with this:

REACH Star? Wahey πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ

“Pirate mask”? 😫😫😫😫😫😫

He did not appreciate the bath and face (and chest) scrubbing he received in a vain attempt to remove them. He believed he was face painting. And apparently we cannot convince him that scented colouring markers are not the same as face paints πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

Today wasn’t as good. Apparently he refused to leave school (I know right? πŸ™€πŸ™„) so our lovely J went in to get him.

His teacher believes that it is because he loves to play in the snow, but refuses to wear his boots, therefore his socks get wet. We are to provide either snow boots or spare socks.


He is convinced there are “bugs” in his current Wellington boots, and we cannot convince him otherwise.


 

I have been known to complain about the speed of USPS in comparison to good old Royal Mail. This was underlined today, when my Christmas present from my lovely sister in law (you may pick a blog nickname if you like lovely πŸ˜‚πŸ€£) finally arrived.

Worth. The. Wait.

A wonderful alpaca yarn sock knitting kit. With pattern, and new (wooden) needles and pettable, snuggleable alpaca yarn.

I was actually able to sit on the sofa and knit tonight. I am braving the hedgehog that is knitting in the round with double pointed needles to do this.

I think someone was jealous of my pettable yarn – she doesn’t normally sit on my lap like that πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

It knits up so fast too πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

My other pair of socks has had to be shelved for now until I can replace the circular needle I was using – an unknown child snapped one of the needles πŸ™„


This pair of bloody socks is cursed I swear!


So at least I have a non-shawl project for tomorrow’s knitting class.

And TT? Well she has re-discovered crayons. And walls. Green crayon comes off of painted walls much easier than red or yellow.

Ask me how I know.

Bright side? Yellow is much harder to see at least 😒

Oh, and she found her pretty cloth nappies, which I hadn’t used since we moved, as they arrived by sea crate and I presumed she had outgrown them but couldn’t bear to part with them…

Well, she filled her bed with them, then waved one at me and insisted I put it on her.

Cue much running around the house shouting “Nappy. Yay”

So we will try them again during the day at least – she pees far too much at night!

After all, what else can you do with a sock and trouser refusing toddler?

Dresses and ruffled nappies!

I need a new diaper pail though.

Visit with Santa

With the cold weather we decided that we probably ought to try and get the children some slightly warmer clothes.

We bought #1 Son snow pants last week but they were far too big. They do in a pinch for school. But they didn’t really have any appropriate footwear for snow, either of them.

So we decided to go to Payless kids and get them some new shoes. Well that went about as well as you could expect. #1 Son came away with a pair of Batman shoes (with velcro) and TT chose a pair of pink and black boots that seem to be sort of snow appropriate. Hurrah for Amazon is all I will say because it took so long to do that we have to cut it short so that we could undertake the main purpose of our trip to the mall.

Which was to see the man himself: SANTA

We decided to surprise #1 Son as he hates going out at the weekends unless it is his idea. TT had already demanded to wear a “pretty dress” and so we managed this:

The boots that she is currently wearing are way too big.

We also bought some odds and sods. I have a new graphic novel based upon The Dark Crystal (but it’s the third one in a series and it was on sale because it’s discontinued dammit. We can get the second one in the series reasonably easily for a mere $10 however the first one is not available for less than $100, yes one hundred dollars 😰😐). So I might just have it on the shelf looking pretty!!

#1 Son was desperate to buy something from the comic book shop (to the point of tears because TT was distracting us and we didn’t realise) so with a little negotiation he’s come away with a $14 bobble head cyber man. No he doesn’t know what Doctor Who is but it was better that than him buying the Bioshock Big Daddy one that caught his eye initially. And yes he used his allowance. Which reminds me I must deduct the $14 from his overall total.

So after this we went to see Santa.

Can anyone tell which child changed their mind about seeing Santa as soon as they got to see the man himself?

Still, fraught as it was, it was worth it. It probably didn’t help that TT had decided not to nap again…

And the cherry on top of the cake today was awaiting me when I got home.

I had a letter from The US Department of Immigration.

They have granted my work permit!!!!!

In typical bureaucracy fashion, it was not the permit itself but was a letter confirming that a letter has been sent which precedes the permit.

But a bloody nice Christmas present anyways. Now, I still have my surgery in early February which will take the best part of eight months to fully recover from, TT is not on a daycare waiting list, and #1 Son isn’t settled enough for me to feel remotely comfortable giving him to someone else to look after yet but, it’s happened.

I can get a SSN! Book my theory test. Pass a Massachusetts driving test!!!

Wahey!!!

I can also seriously think about opening an Etsy shop!

The week so far

Has been… testing.

Yesterday was an okay-ish day at school for #1 Son, but the afternoon and evening at home with me wereΒ not.

 

We had a disagreement which escalated through miscommunication (and a hefty dose of TT distraction) and ended with him hiding and having a full meltdown.

It was hard and painful and upsetting for us both.Β  I ended up sobbing (but I made darn sure he didΒ not see – he doesn’t need that on top of everything else)

It’s hard when your baby tells you he doesn’t want to love you anymore.

Today, not great at school (I now get emails from his teacher when she feels an update warranted).Β  We have however received notification of the first meeting (I’m not optimistic enough to believe it will be theΒ only one) of Special Educational Need provision – 05 December.

That seems a long time away, but it does give us time to see the doctors and get that side of the process going too.

I finished his room:

Well mostly, the remaining boxes contain games, DVDs or garage stuff so won’t be unpacked until our final storage solutions are in place.Β  But not bad for a day’s work.

They are capable of playing with each otherΒ without killing each other occasionally:

Sadly, the idea of putting TT into nursery one day a week has had to be put on hold for the foreseeable.

πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

The onlyΒ practical nursery setting a. only allows for a minimum 2 days per week and b.Β is fully booked and has a waiting list stretching to next summer! πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€πŸ™€

While this is incredibly disheartening, it also gives me an idea of our realistic options, so I plan to get her on the waiting list as soon as my work permit is granted.

I won’t be looking for a job until #1 Son is more settled. I cannot add more stress to him right now and that level of change could be disastrous for him at themoment.

One month to go

I’ve started saying goodbye to friends and am planning my leaving speech (whilst still praying for a miracle to get me out of it!)

Some of the wonderful and crazy people I will miss:


I’ve cancelled some subscriptions, working on the TV licence – the swines don’t make it easy!

I’ve also signed up for some home schooling resources for a year for both children to try and provide some stability for them.

11 days of gainful employment left to go…